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A number of reasons can make couple counselling useful:

  • If one of the partners or both are often emotionnaly hurt or feel attacked
  • If one of the partners (or both) feel often lonely in the relationship
  • When criticism seems to dominate too often the communication and makes one or both partners withdraw from each other or (counter-) attack.
  • If one or possibly both partners have the feeling of always having to just give in and adapt
  • If decision making in the couple is up to just one of the partners or is felt to be one-sided only, regarding important issues as money, friends, education of children, activities etc.
  • Lack of mutual support
  • Sexual adventure, second relationship a part, cheating, adultery
  • If a partner has difficulties to utter disappointment and feelings of being upset for fear of the others reaction
  • If it is no longer possible to express feelings of attraction, attachment and positive emotions
  • If there is a general difficulty in one or both partner to express feelings, be they positive or negative
  • If needs for closeness are no longer addressed or aren't met anymore
  • When goals or plans for the future go far apart
  • If the sexual satisfaction in one or both of the partner is very much or completely missing
  • If there are hardly any common interests
  • If a partners develops psychosomatic symptoms due to the existing relationship
  • If psychological or health problems of a partner strain the relationship strongly ...
  • ...

Binational Couples

All the above is no different for relationships in which the partners speak different mother tongues (and commonly have agreed to speak one of them or a third one). But there may be additional communication bottlenecks to cope with because misunderstandings are more common.

In binational couples there is a common trap of focusing a big deal on cultural differences when the relationship is facing problems. Without negating such differences, it may be helpful to look behind the scenes of cultural differences. As well as same-national-couples, binational couples have to regulate the same negative emotions, have to cut through negative patterns of attacking and withdrawing, have the same need for closeness (like affecitve gesture, intimicy, talks, need for having common future plans etc.) and need as much as any other couple positive regard, expression of positive emotion and loving. A therapist who understands both of the languages can help to build bridges over gaps of misunderstandings and to adress issues of emotion regulation in the same move.

Staying together or separate?

Finally, a couple therapy can also serve the purpose to find out if you want to stay together or separate. If there are very different starting points, let's say one partner wants to stay together but the other wants to find ways for a definitive separation, then couples counselling session might be very difficult for there is no common ground. Individual sessions would make more sense in such situations. If one partner is very much ambivalent about staying together or not, then some individual sessions might also be the better choice. But ambivalence as such is not a no-go for couples therapy. On the contrary, it can be very important and helpful to open up and self-disclose ambivalent feelings. This can trigger some very positive processes for the couple and help overcome stuck feelings into more positive or clearer ones.

I am motivated, but my partner is not ...

Often it is necessary to clarify issues of motivation, motivation may be different at the start. This is normal and should be accepted at the beginning by both sides. It may be useful to have some individual sessions first or after a first couple session in order to adress the problems of the partner that is less motivated or sceptical. A first couple session can also be seen as a test which can help the less motivated partner to re-evaluate his or her position.

Praxis Frank Margulies - Zeughausstrasse 39 - 8004 Zürich - - Telefon 043 317 19 38

ZSR-Nummer: T664331

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Praxis Frank Margulies
Zeughausstrasse 39 
8004 Zürich

Phone 043 317 19 38

ZSR-Nummer: T664331